What if we have seen all there is to see and done all there is to do. What if it will never get better than it is right now. What if my needs really don’t matter. I love my baby so much but what if he doesn’t need me and he will do better without me in his world. What if I made a terrible mistake with this man who I thought would be a good life partner. He seems to have changed but maybe not. Maybe he was always careless and disrespectful of me but it never mattered so much. I used to be able to shrug stuff off easier and move on with things but now stuff seems to stick.
Today we said goodbye to a dear friend, taken so young from cancer. There’s a part of me that wishes it was me. I want to leave. I want to walk away. I don’t see things getting better and so maybe it’s better this way.
Nobody knows how I feel because there is no point. Anytime I’ve sought help in the past it is a futile exercise and I’m left feeling the same. I’m told, “you have excellent insight”. They prattle of some rubbish about CBT. Like I don’t know. I smile politely, thank them and walk out a couple of hundred dollars poorer.
I don’t think I was built to be happy. I just feel like I have such deep scars that will never ever heal. So I keep on smiling and pretending I’m okay. Nobody is any the wiser. I’ll be gone sooner or later anyway. At least I know my little one will be okay. There’s a world of love out there for him.