What if we have seen all there is to see and done all there is to do. What if it will never get better than it is right now. What if my needs really don’t matter. I love my baby so much but what if he doesn’t need me and he will do better without me in his world. What if I made a terrible mistake with this man who I thought would be a good life partner. He seems to have changed but maybe not. Maybe he was always careless and disrespectful of me but it never mattered so much. I used to be able to shrug stuff off easier and move on with things but now stuff seems to stick.
Today we said goodbye to a dear friend, taken so young from cancer. There’s a part of me that wishes it was me. I want to leave. I want to walk away. I don’t see things getting better and so maybe it’s better this way.
Nobody knows how I feel because there is no point. Anytime I’ve sought help in the past it is a futile exercise and I’m left feeling the same. I’m told, “you have excellent insight”. They prattle of some rubbish about CBT. Like I don’t know. I smile politely, thank them and walk out a couple of hundred dollars poorer.
I don’t think I was built to be happy. I just feel like I have such deep scars that will never ever heal. So I keep on smiling and pretending I’m okay. Nobody is any the wiser. I’ll be gone sooner or later anyway. At least I know my little one will be okay. There’s a world of love out there for him.
I woke up yesterday, I rolled over and looked at you, you stroked my body from deep within sleep, that’s all you had to do to show me your love for me ran deep.
Sometimes though love seems to run cheap…
The rains are over, the storms are passed. I am sober. That’s all that you asked. The skies are blue, but so are you.
their pervasive calm, screams eternal and I can’t seem to bring that light to your eyes nor smile to your lips. I hope your sadness is merely a ghost visiting from your past.
I’ve tried to be the partner you need, not necessarily who I am. In trying to be right for you I fear there has been too many lies, too much deceit. It’s now gone so far, not even I can defeat.
I woke up tomorrow and you weren’t there.
The grand old clock in the hall struck once, this means midday, yet I see no sun. You left your toothbrush, your planner, your joggers, your photos and a deep scar on my heart. Memories of distant joy, now echos from the past screaming hauntingly of better times gone past.
You were here till I got through my blues, yet gone, you are. Just a distant memory born of cold hard pain and absence. I hope you’re happy with the path you’ve chosen, without us. I hope you’re truly free while I try to learn to be me.
#relationship breakup #depression #loss #abandonment
I recall a time when my heart thumped at the thought of you. Seeing you took my breath away. I would rather die than be without you. I’d never felt love and connection as strong as we shared. Sitting up all night, waiting for the morning light, I would see you by day break and feel the world was complete.
Through our love we have created the most beautiful person in the world. It is like our love is compounded it in this little person. Yet since he has been born, in so many ways it feels as though we are strangers. It cannot be that I have lost you from the very act of creating a little person out of our love.
I still have so much love for you. I still want to make it work desperately. I am scared. I am scared that our relationship has changed beyond recognition. I am scared that I do not know how to find me again. I absolutely love being a mum. It is everything else that I find hard. What do I have to talk about? Of course, it’s all about our little one. When every waking minute of my day is devoted to nourishing our son, how can I think of anything else?
With this change, I am so afraid of losing you. I am so afraid of not being able to be who you need me to pay. I am so afraid of being left behind or not being pretty enough any more.
I fear your temper and your impulsivity. I fear that I cannot be excited about your projects when I am still so sleep deprived and in fact I am still wearing the scars of labour. I am still recovering from you leaving me to go overseas when I needed you. I am still recovering from you leaving me with a six week old baby to pursue your hobbies. I fear that you could not understand what it is like to think of very little else but the baby growing inside you, to go through labour, and then to be that babies lifeline as all of your needs come second. While on the outside, it still feels as though we are one.
I pray for love and patience to guide me home again so we can once more find connection. I do not want to lose you. I love you and you are still my partner. Please do not give up on me.
After 41.5 weeks of anxious, excitement and waiting, and after 19 hours of intense contractions, 9 of which I felt through every fibre of my being, my helpless little boy took his first breath and was delivered onto his first resting place, my chest.
Feeling intensely overwhelmed and beaming with love, I held him ravenously and tightly cuddling him to my chest. Covered in meconium, amniotic fluids and who knows what else, I held him so tightly and rocked him gently. Loving every morsel of his being and promising to never let him go. It has been the most transformative 8 weeks of my life. As I have held my little boy and watched his incredible fight and determination I have been intensely aware of my own mortality and that of everybody around me. All we have is right now and yet so many of us waste the greatest gift we are ever given- ourselves, and the bountiful love around us.
My baby is at the start of his journey and sometimes I worry that his future is in my hands. I have loved every minute of being his mum and learning his needs.
They say that babies live within an intense emotional world as they are so helpless and lack the psychological reasoning to be able to understand the world around them. This means that they feel all the range of emotion like the rest of us but feel it with an intensity that we can only ever imagine.
No it has not been easy but I am honoured to be his mother. I have had many roles- Nurse, Lawyer, partner, friend and daughter, but no role could have adequately prepared me for feeling qualified to be my little boys mum. The great challenge of motherhood is that there is no real ‘training’. They teach you breastfeeding, bathing and they may show you once how to put on a nappy but the rest is an intuitive dance with your baby, where you try to figure each other out. I feel like I should be wearing ‘L’ plates and should undergo supervision by a guy in a yellow vest with a clip board to be entrusted with this little life that we created out of our love.
#mother #lover #baby #learning #life #birth